It all started with the game of bananas.
Now that the game has long been deserted, and the banana has long gone, the after-taste still lingers around. Every little chat that we have ever had, has slowly but steadily etched a path in this heart that has been long forgotten. Behind it, the warmth of winter sunshine has given the life to each small hopes that grew out of nowhere.
Each and everyday, those seedlings of hope have grown and helped putting colours into this otherwise gloomy sky. Every moment we spent together, it took me even deeper into the jungle of feeling. Along the way, little green dragonflies have been lighting the path, showing me the steps to take. With it, I took every step carefully, trying not to fall into false traps. But the more steps I took, the brighter it seemed. I could now see the light at the end of this jungle-trek, leading me to a gate. The gate that seemed promising enough to bring a new chapter to this life. I kept walking, but somehow, no matter how fast I walked, it seems I was nowhere near the gate. I decided its time to yell for help.
And that’s when I told you my feeling for you. I was throwing our friendship in jeopardy, in the hope that it would be dawn soon, and the gate will be opened for me. I never really liked guessing game. But I could never live without it either. Life will be too boring without any mystery. These past few nights, I haven’t been able to get a peaceful sleep. I was waiting. Patiently. Sometimes I couldn’t bear the wait, at other times, I just tried harder. The temptation to reveal that the future holds is just too hard to resist.
And when I least expected it, you called. I was like one of the TV reality show contestants on the season finale episode, awaiting for the moderator to announce the winner. And there was it. Just like every other good thing in this world, it was just too good to be true. The feeling was not mutual. My world slowly spun upside down. All those moments we spent together in such a brief time, suddenly flashed back in front of me. I didn’t understand at all. Maybe I was color-blind. Maybe it wasn’t dragonflies that lit my way. Maybe it was just a reflection of night owls’ eyes. Maybe I had been overly-confident. Maybe I’m hallucinating. Maybe. Or maybe not. Right now, I’m still trying to digest words you’ve just said. I don’t think the upsetting fact has set in me yet. I’m still wishing this to be a mere dream. And I still wish you will wake me up from this dream, and tell me otherwise.
I can’t find any better words to describe myself right now. I know this blog entry won’t change anything you’ve said just now. I just want to tell you how much I miss you right now. But there’s nothing I can do to tell you that. Maybe when you read this (if you ever), time and circumstances have changed. For the better…
“Aku mencintaimu lebih dari yang kau tahu…”